“What is... Cats?” seems like an existential question, almost. It is many things: A musical, apparently. A collection of weird-ass names like Rum Tum Tugger and Grizabella (surely if Laura Dern’s character on Big Little Lies had a second daughter, this would be her name). A work of senseless surreality so horrific that even David Lynch would shudder at the mere thought of it. In any case, seemingly in anticipation of the inevitable How Did This Get Made? episode devoted to its existence, Cats has unleashed yet another video in which the poor hostages involved—along with Taylor Swift—try to explain how the hell this happened.
Swift, as you could’ve guessed, is entirely thrilled that someone finally offered to turn her into a cat. Everyone else just says things like, “It’s bonkers!” because what else is there to say, really? It’s not as if anyone can coherently describe the plot, which is seemingly about a group of cats who, after rummaging through Liza Minelli’s closet, perform an annual ritualistic sacrifice in which one lucky cat is sent to a cat heaven and comes back as... a different cat? A better cat? An actual cat who does not have to talk and prance around in bejeweled outerwear? Who knows. After seeing these professional actors crawl around on all-fours and meow and paw at things, the reason why Cats looks so absurd becomes abundantly clear: It’s like watching furries, if the end goal didn’t involve them fucking each other.
Anyway, this Cats thing stars a bunch of very well-paid people, including Idris Elba and Judi Dench, and hits theaters on December 20 because your mom needs something to watch that isn’t a Star War.