Buoyed by its success with turning blushing brides into shrieking harpies with the graciousness of your average Roman emperor, reality TV will next redefine the sanctified union of marriage with Bridalplasty, an E! show where women compete in wedding-related challenges in order to win extensive plastic surgery. Each week will find a group of brides-to-be participating in challenges such as “writing wedding vows and planning honeymoons,” with the winner given the chance to choose a plastic surgery procedure from her plastic surgery “wish list”—which everyone has, we guess—and thus be transformed into “the perfect bride,” while the others slink away in disgrace with their natural deformities intact, forced to walk the shit-smeared aisles of whatever shadowy sewer tunnels house the half-blind underdwellers willing to marry them.

Meanwhile, the winner, newly transformed into her duck-faced ideal, will unveil her new look for her lucky, lucky husband for the first time at the altar, where then and only then will he consent to spend his life with his now-blessedly-unrecognizable love. Bridalplasty is brought to you by “celebrity surgeon” Terry Dubrow of The Swan and producers of Rock Of Love, and hosted by Travis Barker’s ex-wife Shanna Moakler—or let’s just collectively call them “Cupid.” (Sorry, gays; no extreme plastic surgery weddings for you.)

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