Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Illustration for article titled Read this: Man eats 40 pizzas in 30 days to spite Papa John
Photo: Rob Kim (Getty Images)

Most CEOs are bad people, but “Papa John” Schnatter is on an entirely different level. Sometime after being forced to step down as CEO of the popular pizza chain because he used the N-word on a company conference call about racial sensitivity, Papa John turned from everyday rich jerk to puffy-faced super villain, promising an ominous “day of reckoning” and falsely claiming that he ate 40 pizzas in 30 days. It was not a good look, to say the least.

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Now, however, a hero has emerged from the darkness who is willing to fulfill the false promises of this disgraced pizza magnate. A man who is willing to eat an unhealthy amount of pizza in an arbitrary timeframe out of pure spite. That man’s name is Brian VanHooker.

In a new article for MEL, VanHooker details his 30-day journey through ungodly amounts of homemade, store-bought, and restaurant-quality pizza. Toppings and preparations vary wildly, and there is an obscene number of breakfast pizzas included in this month-long indulgence, but VanHooker establishes early that the only standard he really cares about is size. Each of the 40 pizzas he consumed had to be at least 8 inches in diameter—bigger than a personal pan pizza, but not so big he would literally die. Still, it was just a little over a week into his spiteful food challenge that he was feeling the pain.

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“Okay, I’ll admit it,” VanHooker writes about his experience on Day 9. “All of this pizza was making me feel physically ill.” Pretty soon he was skipping days and counter-programming pizza binges with hour-long spins on his exercise bike. With just shy of 24 pizzas consumed by Day 20, things were starting to look bad, but a little inspiration from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles helped push VanHooker over the top. 

In the end, he somehow emerged three pounds lighter with his love of pizza intact. Take that, Papa John.

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Contributor, The A.V. Club. Pay me to write for you, you coward.

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