The world is growing suspicious of the subversives living on Sesame Street.
Not long after Tucker Carlson railed against the leftist antifa agents now apparently occupying the muppet-infested neighborhood, the intrepid reporters at MEL Magazine published a rundown of the latest potential scandal: Is Sesame Street covering up the true identity of Elmo’s dad to hide an affair between Elmo’s mother and her brother-in-law, the late Uncle Jack? Or, even worse, is Elmo playing God with science that neither man nor muppets was ever meant to truly comprehend?
Don’t be so quick to write this one off, sheeple. Just look at the damn evidence brought to us:
It is clear after reviewing the evidence here that Uncle Jack bears much more of a similarity to his nephew, Elmo, than his “father,” Louie. Of course, we can’t ask Uncle Jack about all this, because he died back in 2010, according to decade-old Sesame Street special When Families Grieve. Meanwhile, Elmo’s mom, Mae, has been curiously silent about all these accusations.
Of course, there’s also the equally plausible theory that the young Elmo we know isn’t the original Elmo at all. While canonically three-years-old, the red muppet first showed up in 1980, making him technically 40 this year. So, could Louie be, in fact, the true Elmo, while the one we know today is simply some kind of clone, or perhaps even a Westworld-like muppet-robot hybrid?
Sure, we could be fueling all of this to distract ourselves from the literal and figurative fires raging outside our home (“They’re muppets. They don’t do that shit,” argues one expert in the MEL piece), but, honestly, given everything else going on, is it truly that hard to believe something rotten is afoot on Sesame Street?
Tucker, we need you to get to the bottom of this! Or...wait. Could it be...
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