Everyone knows Donald Trump is a total Psyduck, but so far he’s yet to officially weigh in on the topic of Pokémon during his Presidential campaign. So this Tumblr post by Cortesdiddy decided to correct that oversight by imagining the vaguely insulting nonsense Trump might spew if his fellow candidates were pocket monsters and not just plain monsters.
For instance, here’s the entry for Pikachu:
Now, look at this guy. He’s a little yellow guy. Zippy guy. I was golfing with this little zippy yellow guy. I beat him. I beat his rear end, I tell you. But then he zapped me! He zapped me because you know what? He’s a little yellow, funky loser and not worthy of your or my attention. He’s a loser zippy guy. He’s a mouse. Little Mickey Mouse guy. A little Mickey Mouse loser guy.
Other highlights include Trump insulting Charmander by saying, “He’s a short guy and he’s hard to see. Like a little dragon man. What I say about dragons? They’re extinct. You’re extinct. You stink. Goodbye.” He also calls Squirtle a “turtle scumbag that deserves no rights” and dismisses Mewtwo as “gross test tube baby” (a pretty risky move considering how powerful Mewtwo is).
He’s similarly got a lot of vitriol for Jigglypuff (“America has heard your balloon song and it’s a bum song I’m afraid to say it, it’s a bum song and I’m going to change America”), but he saves his best insults for Cubone:
This dinosaur in a bone hat. Gave him a million, 900 thousand, one million dollars. For his mother. Turns out, he has a dead mom. A deadbeat mom. She’s gone. Kaput. I gave this bone monster a million dollars and told him ‘listen, youre a tiny bone monster and you throw that bone, it’s gonna come back and hit you. I know what a boomerang feels like in my hand I wasn’t born with a silver spoon like you did. Sorry about your dead mother, but you’re finished. you can’t run this country without a mother. Work on that. Work on a better mother and a better bone for your little head. That’s no good.
Read all of the entries over on Tumblr.