Not all celebrity-to-celebrity interviews are good. Sometimes they are! Still, the success rate is nowhere near 100 percent. But it was all worth it. If it takes 100 lackluster conversations between famous people to get this deluge of chaotic-good energy, then that’s just the price we have to pay. Here’s the prize at the bottom of the cereal box: Adam Sandler interviewing Aubrey Plaza, at Aubrey Plaza’s request. Seriously:
SANDLER: I’m happy to talk to you. Do you hear me? Because you keep going in and out. What’s with your fucking phone, Aubrey?
PLAZA: I can hear you. Is it me? I don’t know.
SANDLER: No, I hear you good now. I just wanted to make you upset.
PLAZA: Should we just forget this whole thing?
SANDLER: I’m happy you asked me to do this, buddy.
Interview said, “Hi, Aubrey, you’re terrifying and amazing, who would you like to interview you for our interview magazine?” and she said, “Adam Sandler.” And the result is the stuff of dreams.
SANDLER: Do you take naps during the day like me?
PLAZA: No, I can’t take naps. I don’t know how to do that. I’m a psycho.
SANDLER: When your parents told you to go take a nap, you just had your eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling?
PLAZA: Probably. I need to learn how to meditate or something.
SANDLER: I don’t have good naps. I have sad, sweaty naps, and I wake up upset.
Thank you, universe. Sincerely. Someone start a magazine in which famous people are asked about napping and nothing else and we will read every single edition. Another free idea: Same thing, only make it just about lakes. Famous people and lakes. Sandler’s issue would be all about muck booties, evidently:
SANDLER: When you were swimming in the lake and you guys were messing around with each other and splashing around and stuff, was it warm or cold?
PLAZA: It was warm. That was a scary night, because you’d think that I’m the kind of person who would be like, “Let’s jump in the lake and get crazy,” but I never want to go in.
SANDLER: You’re afraid of the fish and stuff?
PLAZA: I don’t want to feel the slimy fish and the muddy, slimy buggies.
SANDLER: Were you treading water or standing in the muck?
PLAZA: I was treading water. I’m not touching that shit.
SANDLER: Touching the bottom is where it always gets scary. Now they have booties that you can wear.
PLAZA: I don’t want to. Don’t make me wear the booties.
SANDLER: No, you would like it. The only humiliating part of the booties is before you get in, but once you’re in, no one knows the booties are on, and you’re so relaxed in the booties. I want you to start wearing booties more, Aubrey.
The interview is in support of Plaza’s movie Black Bear, which arrives this weekend; our own A.A. Dowd called her performance “the most volatile and nuanced work of her career” in his coverage of the 2020 Sundance Film Festival. Those especially opposed to consuming to any kind of plot information before seeing a film should probably keep this one open in a separate tab for a few days. But once that happens, it’s well worth reading in full.
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