Back in 1999, The White Stripes were still in their infancy, a baby band made up of a married couple that may or may not have been brother and sister. Still, the group’s self-titled debut was available for purchase on Amazon, and thus totally open to all sorts of Amazon user reviews. Over the weekend, the internet re-discovered a 535-word review by an Amazon user named Adam Beales who, in 1999, posted an extremely comprehensive review of The White Stripes. In his post, which is riddled with Led Zeppelin slams, Beales says the Stripes are an amalgam of “a boy, a girl, a guitar, a rudimentary drumkit, and a Led Zeppelin fixation like the Aswad High Dam,” all stuffed “through the rama-lama-fa-fa-fa with more cheap speed than a normal ninth-grader can handle.” Noting he’s “not talkin’ about all that malajusted [sic] EMO shit,” Beales says the Stripes “can kinda lay back like a little kitty cat sometimes, affore they jump up and rock yer flabby ass all to hell,” and that “if Robert Plant coulda singed like that, Led Zeppelin might have even sold a few rekkids.” Beales then throws in a good Ron Jeremy reference and a nod to the superior nature of vinyl before concluding that “if you like it neat, cheap, and served in a dirty glass, The White Stripes gonna set you up fine.”

[via Consequence Of Sound]

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