Gambling with their lives once more on behalf of celebrities everywhere, Randy and Evi Quaid emerged from their Canadian bunker to address their recent bid for political asylum from “Hollywood Star Whackers” during an interview with Good Morning America’s Andrea Canning—but more importantly, to warn other stars they believe will soon fall victim to the same complicated luxury hotel/credit card company/real estate planner/cabal of Hollywood assassins conspiracy that has plagued them for the last year or so.
In the interview, Quaid and his wife (who want everyone to know that they are neither “crazy” nor “faking”) insisted that they were “refugees seeking to be left alone by the criminals in America”—criminals who include the “estate planner who had created a living trust, and a county that could cash in Randy's royalty stream forever,” as well as those who are seeking to attack Randy’s integrity and reputation by, you know, arresting him for illegal things he and and his wife did.
Not content with merely ruining the reputation that Randy Quaid apparently had, these criminals are now actually looking to kill him because, as Randy says, it’s “easier to take the money in that way.” And although the couple doesn’t admit to having anyone actually threaten to kill them, they claim that these unseen forces “follow us, they tail us, they tag our cell phone, hack our computer. Now with the Internet, a celebrity is fair game, and it’s all designed to sell advertising space.” Evi then adds, “They’re businessmen. It’s the Mafia, and organized crime.” So… the mob and the Internet got together to kill Randy Quaid and take his National Lampoon’s royalties, and also to sell advertising space, and we’re all accomplices. Got it.
Quaid then goes on to describe the “malignant tumor” that is the Hollywood Star Whackers, again theorizing that Heath Ledger and David Carradine were murdered, while also issuing a warning to others they feel may be in danger:
Canning: Are there any Hollywood celebrities out there you feel should be very afraid right now?
Evi: Lindsay Lohan.
Randy: Yeah, definitely. And Britney Spears.
Evi: Mel Gibson, too.
Canning: Don’t you think his alleged voice recordings were pretty bad?
Evi: I think he was drugged. I think he was slipped a mickey. That's my personal opinion.
Randy: I think she was sent in to do him in.
Canning: Kill him?
Randy: No, no! Just figuratively!
Quaid also said he’s tried to warn his brother, Dennis, about being targeted by the same people who are after him—because, as Evi says, “Dennis [Quaid] is now on a treadmill of making movies that are garbage,” which is a sinister plot, indeed. Canning, clearly an unwitting agent of the Hollywood Star Whackers, then went on to ask just the sort of question that proves she’s out to (figuratively) kill Randy and Evi Quaid herself:
Canning: Are either of you mentally unstable, schizophrenic, on drugs?
Evi: Do you think we are?
Canning: You tell me
Quaid: No! We don’t do drugs. She doesn’t even drink.
Evi: Not even vaguely. And can I ask you a question? Does murder happen?
Evi: Does embezzlement happen?
Evi: That’s all I want, is somebody to investigate.
There you have it, law enforcement of America: Who among you will be brave enough to investigate the root of all murder and embezzlement to its very source—the mickey-slipping, reputation-destroying, Russian-girlfriend-sleeper-agent-supplying, Heath Ledger-murdering, Randy Quaid’s-computer-hacking-and-royalty-stealing Hollywood Star Whackers? Lindsay Lohan’s life and Dennis Quaid’s movie career hang perilously in the balance.