Ride-share service Uber has issued a press-release/public advisory notice informing Los Angeles patrons of its high-end UberBLACK service that former talk show host Jay Leno will be operating under its banner from the hours of 5 to 10 p.m. tonight. The service promised/warned that Leno would be in disguise for the promotional event/public safety crisis, and that the “King Of Storytelling”—a self-declared position with no basis in American constitutional law—would reveal himself during the ride.
UberBLACK patrons should be aware that Leno is no stranger to finding his way into unexpected places, and could even be in the car with you right now, hidden behind latex prosthetics or the cunning camouflage of wearing clothes not entirely crafted out of denim. Uber’s web site notes that BLACK drivers—who charge a higher rate in exchange for offering rides in high-end luxury sedans—may gift patrons with bottled water or other drinks; if your Uber driver offers you such a beverage, then snatches it back, takes a long sip, and tosses the rest to a grinning Jimmy Fallon, Leno infestation is a likely cause.
Other warning signs of a Level-4 Leno Event: casual references to NBC’s upcoming Jay Leno’s Garage in otherwise normal conversations, use of the phrase “Hey didya hear,” or any mention of the mysterious code phrase “Mavis.” If your UberBLACK driver exhibits any of these symptoms—or, God forbid, has a stack of newspapers with funny headline typos circled in the passenger seat—you are advised to do the safe, prudent thing and hurl yourself bodily out of the moving vehicle, accepting the various broken bones and wounds you incur as a small price to pay for escaping the ordeal with sanity intact.