In these final days of March, we’ve come to realize that tournament brackets, while good for sports, belong to everyone. Stemming from the same impulse that demands we know who would win in a fight—Goku or Superman, your dad or your best friend’s dad—the internet has funneled mountains of cultural trivia into the only format truly capable of judging its place in our society. Move over reviewers and essayists; we’ve entered the age of the bracket.
Because Disney owns everything, it’s only fitting that it has already colonized this exciting new trend, emerging as the clear winner in the unseen showdown that decided the most prevalent of all of these non-sports brackets. Below, find the kindling that sparked the fire ... and prepare to argue endlessly over which of these movies is best. As is standard when it comes to children’s movies, hold no ground. Combat ends only in bloody submission.
Moving to another popular debate—determining which famous boy is your actual boyfriend—the internet erupted again. While we may never get to see Canada’s leading politicians, Drake and Justin Trudeau, go head-to-head in any other tournament, rest assured they’re here to fight for your hearts.
Those who don’t care about cartoons and studs (where’s the bracket for cartoon studs?) aren’t left out either. There are also a best Parks and Recreation character bracket, a best The Office character bracket, a best Nintendo game bracket, an old ass cats versus dogs bracket that deserves to be resurrected, the worst tweet of all time bracket being decided now, and, last in this incomplete list that no doubt extends to the edges of comprehension, a bracket for the best Kanye track.
Get voting, friends. There’s a whole lot of pop culture out there and without brackets we may never know which to value and which to cast into the dark shame corners of our collective consciousness. If the work is done, and done well, the world will soon become much simpler, viewers watching The One True Disney movie, listening to The One True Kanye song, pinning a poster of The One True Celebrity Boyfriend to its wall, and, perhaps, referencing the best non-sports bracket of all time once all the brackets have been bracketed into place.
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