Adding his own two cents to a conversation absolutely no one was having, Commander of the S.S. Bubble Bath Sean “Diddy” Combs paused briefly from waging his vodka wars to assert that Joaquin Phoenix’s recent foray into rap-based performance art is “for real.” According to Diddily, Phoenix went so far as to tap Doodily to “produce a record” for him in the studio, which was certainly real and certainly not staged solely for a scene in Phoenix’s mockumentary. “If he’s not for real, he tricked me,” added the world’s fakest rapper in one of the least self-aware statements of all time—though in Dippity’s defense, his comments are most likely also part of the publicity build-up for the eventual release of Phoenix’s film.
Of course, the likelihood of said film ever making it to theaters is increasingly slim, given that buyers at last month’s screening told the L.A. Times that it “overflowed with Hollywood debauchery, including more male frontal nudity than you'd find in some gay porn films and a stomach-turning sequence in which someone feuding with Phoenix defecates on the actor while he's asleep.” Unless that statement is all part of the joke as well, in which case fuck it, we’re tired. You’re a genius, Joaquin Phoenix, okay? Please just stop now.