There is an entire separate ecosystem that exists within the internet that is designed to calm you. There are “oddly satisfying” GIFs on Reddit and hour-long ASMR videos on YouTube and entire fleets of websites that serve as weighted blankets against the shrieking terror of the rest of the internet. These things can all be nice—they are designed to be nice—but none of them are as nice as this 7-minute informational video about how to properly pick up a cat.
I am not being sarcastic. Sarcasm has been drained from my body like water from a sponge after viewing the fourth YouTube video by “Helpful Vancouver Vet,” a Vancouver-based veterinarian who is very helpful. Previous videos “How to do physiotherapy for your dog,” “How to measure blood glucose in a cat,” and “How to walk a dog without pulling on the leash” all did pretty well, but it’s “How to pick up your cat like a pro” that has truly hit internet gold, at over half a million views and counting. Dr. Yuri Burstyn goes over such topics as how to introduce yourself to a cat and how to then become friends with the cat. He goes over several traditional carrying techniques with a nice cat named Claudia, including a few handy tips on how to handle cats that want to get away from you. You squish them. “Squish that cat,” Dr. Burstyn says, gently squishing Claudia, even using a towel make her feel cozier and more at peace. Later, a cat named Mr. Pirate is introduced, and Dr. Burstyn comments on Mr. Pirate’s beautiful face, turning the cat’s face toward the camera for viewer inspection.
It is beautiful.
Mr. Pirate, though, is a shoulder cat, requiring a whole new set of carrying techniques. Don’t worry! Dr. Burstyn shows proper pick-up and dismount techniques for a shoulder cat like Mr. Pirate. These are great tips for cat owners, and even if you don’t own a cat, it’s all good, helpful information. More than that, though, it is a warm, pulsating light, a place to return to and call home amidst the harrowing corporate dystopia of the modern internet.
Just remember to squish that cat!