Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Piers Morgan: "I am not the bag lady in Home Alone 2"

Illustration for article titled Piers Morgan: "I am not the bag lady in Home Alone 2"
Screenshot: 20th Century Fox, Photo: Frazer Harrison (Getty Images)

Professional pigeon person Piers Morgan swears he is a lot of things (stalwart protector of modern masculinity, concerned razor purchaser, mathematician) but there is one thing he feels the need to convince a skeptical public that he is most certainly not.

Advertisement

“I am not the bag lady in Home Alone 2,” Piers Morgan desperately vowed yesterday on Good Morning Britain, his wide grin hiding the deep well of shame and resentment radiating through our computer screens from every fiber of his being.

“You are the Pigeon Lady in Home Alone 2...Your character helped save Kevin when he is cornered in the park by the Wet Bandits,” co-host Susanna Reid clarified.

“It’s not my character. I’ve nothing to do with it,” Morgan pleaded to an audience of millions, before Reid cuts in with the simple, elegant statement of truth: “It is.”

It is. Morgan, of course, could only counter with a chasm of silence, because he knows the truth as well as anyone.

The publicly televised intervention came after Morgan took to social media the day before, begging us to look the other way and ignore this basic fact of reality. “This is too funny...now I can’t unsee it or think it,” someone tweeted after being presented with the evidence. “I need you to...urgently,” Morgan captioned in his retweet, betraying a guilty, scarred conscience. And yet, even his own show’s director couldn’t enable Morgan any longer.

Advertisement

He is cornered, and he knows we are all well aware by now: Piers Morgan is a professional pigeon person, the words of his cohost echoing in his ears:

“Everywhere you go, you attract the pigeons.”

Everywhere you go, Piers.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

Advertisement

Andrew Paul is a contributing writer with work recently featured by NBC Think, GQ, Slate, Rolling Stone, and McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He writes the newsletter, (((Echo Chamber))).