Photo: Left: Mark Wilson/ Right: SOPA Images (Getty Images)

There’s no such thing as a “bad name,” really. No matter what rhymes the children in kindergarten come up with—no matter how much fun adults may have with poor saps named “Richard”—a name should be held without shame by its owner.

Unfortunately, this is easier said than done if, for example, you happen to work in the public sphere and are named, in this specific time and place ... “Michael Cohen.”

Poor Cohen, a sportswriter who must feel all alone in the world right now, shouldering the burden of an identity nobody would ask for, took to Twitter only to reclaim his name. He likely didn’t expect to meet a kindred spirit, but he found one just the same. That’s why the internet is so damn magical.

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Who can understand Michael Cohen’s pain quite as well as a woman named “Lauren Ingram” who, we must assume has never publicly talked shit about massacre survivors and called the ensuing advertising boycott “Stalinist?” The two, easing their struggles with mutual recognition, must have thought that they, aside from Office Space’s Michael Bolton, had discovered the only solace the world has to offer.

The internet is vast, though, and everyone from the damned who share names with forgotten pop singers to those lost souls forced into constant reminders of the nation’s most recognizable actors, soon came forward. Cohen and Ingram could be forgiven for being less than sympathetic for those troubled Twitter accounts considering the unique circumstances of their own problem. At least until one other chimed up, completing the triumvirate.

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Hold fast Michael, Lauren, and Rob. This year, too, will pass.

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