It’s an old piece of folk wisdom that a woman’s place is in the home. “Our place is firing up the stove, not firing up a proton pack,” as our grandmothers used to say. So the various assorted monsters of the Internet will be pleased to learn that Paul Feig noticed your thoughtful comments about how his new all-female Ghostbusters movie is raping your childhood.

Variety reports that during a recent interview for his upcoming comedy Spy, starring Melissa McCarthy (also one of his new estrogen-molded busters of ghosts, so essential for wrecking strangers’ youths), Feig addressed the controversy over the new horror-comedy’s cast. “The Internet is really funny – I love it, but I hate it at the same time,” the director said, echoing the primary thought of everyone on Earth. He went on to single out that bastion of warmth and positivity, Twitter:

The biggest thing I’ve heard for the last four months is, ‘Thanks for ruining my childhood.’ It’s going to be on my tombstone when I die. It’s so dramatic. Honestly, the only way I could ruin your childhood is if I got into a time machine and went back and made you an orphan.

Advertisement

While the comment could be taken as a sensible rejoinder to people angry that he’s trying to make an entertaining film for a new generation of moviegoers, we should probably assume that Feig is actually letting slip his diabolical plan to travel back in time and murder the parents of each and every person who mocks him online. It’s the only thing that makes sense, if the alternative is the outlandish notion that Feig doesn’t know you, will never know you, and won’t follow your suggestion to have Christopher Nolan direct a men-only Ghostbuster outer-space adventure with an original score by Skrillex.

In fact, Feig is somewhat shocked that you’re not an angry young person who hasn’t yet learned to handle impulse control, or even basic human courtesy. The director notes that when he receives especially vicious comments, “I figure it’s some wacked out teenager. But almost constantly it’s someone who’s bio says, ‘Proud father of two!’ And has some high end job. You’re raising children and yet you’re bashing me about putting women in my movie?” It sounds like someone hasn’t yet realized that women are the number-one cause of movies having fewer awesome dudes in every role. Perhaps his recent comment that he wants the film to be scary like The Walking Dead is actually referring to the terrifying notion that a diverse, multicultural cast can reap monstrous commercial success.

Advertisement

Weirdly, Paul Feig also seems to think there’s room for more than one Ghostbusters movie in the world, as though the existence of his movie didn’t immediately destroy any feelings people have about other films. Referring to Sony’s desire to make lots of money by making a Ghostbusters movie with men, just as God intended, Feig joked, “Who knew there were so many ghosts to be busted in the world?” Men knew, that’s who. He added that he was a fan of that film’s creative team, including directors Joe and Anthony Russo and supposed star Channing Tatum, but that he was focusing on his own film. “All I know is my ladies are going to kick ass and I would not want to go into battle with them,” he said, probably because the female Ghostbusters would all get their periods or something.