According to a report just released by the Parents Television Council—whose opinions most people regard with the same amount of gravity as those of their own parents—we are a nation whose insides are slowly rotting out through our abuse of swears, with profanity on TV rising a staggering 69 percent over the past five years. Huh huh, 69 percent. Of course, in the PTC’s estimation, “profanity” includes words such as “hell,” “screw,” “crap,” and “suck,” as well as anything “bleeped” and “euphemisms for shit” (You’re not fooling anyone, $#*! My Dad Says) and “euphemisms for fuck” (up 240 percent, and breaking bold new ground every day), so you should take it all with a grain of shut the fuck up, Parents Television Council. Here are some of the other words that qualify for moral outrage: “bastard,” “boobs,” “balls,” "other" words for “breasts” and “genitals,” and “douche.” In other news, the last five years have been meteoric for “bleeped fuck,” which has seen a 15,500 percent rise in usage during the 8 p.m. hour alone. Can the Rapture be far behind?