A Beyblade, probably soon to be a Michael Bayblade

At first, Hasbro and Paramount couldn’t get enough of each other. They were so happy. You’ve probably heard of a number of Paramount film series based on Hasbro toys; G.I. Joe and Transformers are the most successful, at least in terms of money. (Of course in terms of money, because those Transformers movies are wet garbage.) Things were going great. They both wanted more.

But, as is the case with so many relationships, that first bloom of passion faded, perhaps because a few of the other properties licensed for movie magic didn’t pan out so well. Suddenly, it seemed like Paramount wasn’t making time for Hasbro like it used to. Hasbro tried to make Paramount jealous by hanging out with other studios. Still, it was obvious Paramount just didn’t have the same enthusiasm it once did. Which brings us to the present, and the bitter “state of the relationship” talk they’re having:

“But I’m trying to make other friends, like you asked! Universal and I are doing Ouija!” Hasbro protests, gesturing toward its sad B-movie franchise. ”And what about Jem And The Holograms? Not outrageous enough for you?”

Advertisement

But Paramount just shakes its head. “What’s truly outrageous is that you refuse to admit we have problems,” it says, idly checking its texts. “Look, there’s no easy way to say this. We‘d like to see other toy companies.“

Hasbro staggers back, the force of this news hitting it like a bodyblow. “Which one,” it whispers, “is taking my place?”

“Aw, no one can take your place,” Paramount replies, chucking Hasbro under the chin affectionately. But we’ve lost that spark—”

Advertisement

“Wait,” Hasbro stops, quicker than the impetus behind a Hungry Hungry Hippos movie. It had an idea. “Have you heard of Beyblades?”

“Oh, is that a line of kitchen knives from Beyoncé? She’s so great.”

“No, although that actually sounds eminently plausible. Remember Tomy? The Japanese company that created Transformers? They’ve got this thing called Beyblades. They’re like these spinning tops, only with ripcords that kids pull to launch them into battle against each other, last one still spinning wins. There are comics and a TV series. It’s huge. It’s generated $2.5 billion in revenue.”

Advertisement

“Hmmm, thank you for summarizing this toy I’ve never heard of. Even though those sounded like easily Google-able facts I could’ve pulled with a few minutes time, I don’t have to, because you’ve done it for me.”

“What do you say? How about we turn it over to Mary Parent and let her production company turn it into a movie for us? You’re always saying you like the idea of inviting other people into our productions.”

Paramount looks nervous, almost shy. “I…I’d like that.” It slips a trembling hand into Hasbro’s. “I knew there was a reason I always come back to you.”

Advertisement

“That’s right,” Hasbro whispers, relieved. “Now let’s check in on that My Little Pony movie we’ve got going.”