Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and with it a series of futile, capitalistic corporate gestures that all pale in comparison to a 12-second video Anthony Hopkins recorded outside a farmers market. Still, a heart-shaped pizza isn’t a bad idea; all those chunky red and thin ropes of cheese sort of look like veins. But making pizzas isn’t easy, especially when you’re getting paid minimum wage to do it. Using a heart-shaped template provides certain challenges that can’t always be solved on the one day of the year it’s being used. What’s the proper ingredient ratio, for example? How long should it cook? Will it fit comfortably in boxes designed for square and round pies?
This Deadspin article provides the answer. It includes many, many, many examples, culled from angry Twitter users, of heart-shaped pizzas that did anything but melt the heart.
— Tyzae (@Tyzae) February 15, 2017
Next year just send your Valentine one of these David Cronenberg valentines. They have the benefit of at least being intentionally disgusting.
[Note: Deadspin, like The A.V. Club, is owned by Univision Communications.]