The courtship between Pamela Anderson and Julian Assange has been a long and drawn-out one, a bond that has only been deepened by the forces trying to keep them apart—meddling schoolmarms who tut-tut, “Oh Pamela, you are such a silly fool for loving him,” and “Oh Julian, if you ever set foot outside the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, you will be extradited to Sweden to answer charges of rape.” Nevertheless, these two crazy, fortysomething kids have managed to keep the spark alive through grand, romantic overtures. Anderson, bringing Assange non-deadly veggie sandwiches from Pret A Manger and saying she wants to start campaigning on behalf of men accused of sexual assault. Assange, gushing in interviews that Anderson is “attractive” and “not an idiot.” And while neither has outright confirmed that they’re a couple, Anderson seems to have leaked her feelings, penning an open letter prose-poem to Assange on her website that muses on how “sexy” and definitely not guilty of rape he is.
Structured in a sort of fragmented lyrical style with an unpredictable meter, “My Julian” recalls the evocative free verse of, say, William Carlos Williams. “Julian Assange is the most intelligent, interesting, and informed man in existence / Yes- I think he’s quite sexy,” Anderson writes, before going on to sing of the Wikileaks founder’s “tremendous strength and stamina”—a detail that could refer either to Assange’s tireless work to release thousands of confidential, occasionally damning documents, or his sexual prowess. Either way, there’s some debate over whether this information is truly in our best interest.
Anyway, after boasting that her Julian has “ruffled a few very powerful feathers” and how she doesn’t watch the news anymore, Anderson’s mash note continues:
Any time anyone maliciously,
or frivolously mentions ‘rape’ next to his name -
they need to understand it is defamation.
We are all innocent until proven guilty.
There is no rape -
it is a case of condom or not.
It is ridiculous.
Of course, the best way for Assange to be proven guilty or not would be for him to submit to questioning in Sweden, something he has long resisted, despite averring his innocence, due to his belief that the accusations are merely a pretext for his being extradited to the U.S. to answer charges of espionage. And while the U.S. has not made any official indictment—and Assange has only become increasingly useful as part of the Trump-Putin axis—even the seemingly warm reception with which he would be greeted in America has not tempted him to step outside and finally clear his name. But then again, why leave when he has all that he needs right here? Poetry, the food of love! Pret A Manger, the food of airports! Pamela Anderson, attractive non-idiot!
Their flowering romance follows Anderson writing earlier of Assange, “I have had more stimulating conversation with this man than all my ex-husbands and lovers combined”—yes, even Tommy Lee, Kid Rock, and Scott Baio—and an interview with an Australian radio show, where Anderson said she would like to be “First Lady” to Assange when he becomes leader of the world. Cynically, some have suggested that the two may only be using each other for mutually beneficial media attention, that this relationship that has blossomed between them is only a publicity ploy (and in Anderson’s case, potentially part of a continued campaign of appearances paid for by the Russian government). But this would presuppose that, when it comes to love, Pamela Anderson doesn’t have the purest of hearts.