While you may have “forgotten” to email lately and hidden them from your Facebook feed, One Million Moms still just want to be a part of your lives, because they love you in a way that only One Million Moms can love you—with a mom’s normal paranoid, overbearing attention, times One Million. And yes, fine, you’re all grown up and you’ve got your own lives to lead, but One Million Moms just wants to make sure, as it sits you down for another heart-to-tremblingly-fear-and-hate-filled-heart, is that those lives don’t include any bestiality. After all, it’s One Million Moms’ job to worry when their darling brood leave the nest—particularly when that brood is being lured into other nests, made by animals with the express purpose of getting it on with you.
And no sooner had One Million Moms put its bipedal foot down on your Skittles-fueled walrus orgies, now GEICO comes along with a reckless commercial promoting unchaperoned dates, and the attendant libertine fantasy of finally being able to fuck a pig. As ABC describes, erotically:
A 30 second commercial released by GEICO has Maxwell in a topless convertible [And where is this convertible’s mother?—ed.] with a woman by his side. The car has just broken down, and Maxwell uses his mobile GEICO application to locate a tow truck. The woman seems frustrated that the tow truck will arrive so quickly, as she asks, “Oh, so that means we won’t be stuck up here for hours, with nothing to do?” The pig brushes off her advances.
Such coy rebuffs, as most farmers will tell you, only serve to make pigs more attractive, and One Million Moms’ Monica Cole knows a gentle stirring in the pork loins when she sees it. “It was just a pretty sleazy type of commercial because the girl was really disappointed when she realized they wouldn’t be able to pass the time alone together,” Cole said, condemning GEICO for not having its female protagonist react properly to the situation, such as immediately shielding her genitals and discussing scripture.
Instead, the girl’s flirtatious behavior only serves to inflame the natural, simmering lust between animals and young, impressionable humans: “Kids are drawn to animals. That’s normal. Animals are cute. That’s why movies have animals that play the lead roles and the main parts,” Cole said of the only kinds of movies that she has ever seen, which definitely did not feature its animal stars having sex with anything. “And it may be over their heads in terms of understanding the meaning behind it, but there’s a big concern when kids are being desensitized to this kind of thing,” Cole concluded of the children who may have missed the subtext One Million Moms are determined to identify for them. “Don’t think about sex with pigs!” they’ll say.
Of course, much as being left, alone and unsupervised, with a pig inevitably leads to violating it sexually, Cole seems resigned to the very minute possibility that GEICO could dismiss her complaint as irrelevant, given GEICO’s frequent attempts to link insurance companies with getting screwed by inhuman beasts. “A bridesmaid was flirting with the gecko in a different commercial, so this is just becoming a norm for GEICO it seems,” Cole sighs, probably before sighing.
Indeed, despite One Million Moms loudly voicing its concerns every single time something slightly infringes upon its worldview, it seems we are all being increasingly dragged down into the muck. And as we all know, that is the pig’s natural lubricant. For pig sex.