Stephen Colbert
Screenshot: The Late Show

After a week off to rest, recuperate, and drink nothing but absinthe (according to himself), Stephen Colbert returned to The Late Show on Monday to find that, yup, America is still getting dumber. Apart from the simple fact that racist simpleton Donald Trump is still in the White House (like, as president, even), Colbert returned to the shocking news that something Donald Trump said is verifiable nonsense. You know, since Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren called Trump’s bigoted bluff, only for Trump to run away from the table, sweatily scooping up his chips and claiming he never bet them in the first place.

In another instance of Trump boorishly badgering a public servant with a racist conspiracy theory until they sigh, roll their eyes, and prove him wrong (and racist), Warren—long taunted by Trump with a schoolyard ethnic slur that would have disqualified him from any public office if America were a functioning democracy—released a video this week verifying that she does, in fact, have some Native American ancestry. But, wait, Colbert asked, doesn’t that mean that big-talker Trump owes Warren a million dollars, since he boasted to a jeering crowd—in front of TV cameras—that he’d give that sum to any charity of Warren’s choice should she produce evidence? Not according to Trump, who first denied making the taunting offer, then whined “Who cares?,” then said he’ll only honor his assholish one-sided wager if he “gets to administer the test himself(?).” You know, like a scientist.

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As Colbert played the clip proving Trump is—hold onto your socks—a bullying, dishonorable, racist liar, he noted how Trump even managed to throw in a mocking “Me Too” joke about administering the test to the presumed Democratic presidential challenger. “It’s like he’s making a turducken,” joked Colbert, “that’s just all turd.” Following up on Trump’s (again, on-camera) boast that he’s sure Warren would say no to the very thing that she just did do, Colbert said, to “Oh, no he didn’t!” laughter and applause, “Well, Mr. President, she didn’t say no, she said yes. But rumor has it, you don’t know the difference.” He also concluded by noting that, and for not just this latest reason, “We don’t have to wait for the president’s DNA—he is 100 percent douche.” 

As for Warren’s whole “DNA test to show up a potential political rival” stunt, it’s hard to say who’s the winner here. It’s unlikely Trump’s MAGA minions will show any more honor in accepting reality than their infamously not-fond-of-paying-his-debts leader. And Warren, despite Trump’s debunked claims about Warren benefitting professionally from her claimed (and now confirmed) Native American ancestry, did manage to publicly show Trump for the fact-fudging, cowardly chiseler, and race-baiter he is, but only by deigning to respond to Trump on his level. Meanwhile, the National Indigenous Women’s Resource Center, chosen by Warren to receive Trump’s million bucks, is unlikely to ever see a dime, something Warren likely knew when she chose them, since, well, it’s Donald Trump we’re talking about. If anything good can come from this degrading shitshow, perhaps the NIWRC will get some actual, desperately needed donations from people not using them as a political football.