Earlier this afternoon, the U.S. Bureau of Prisons announced where Michael Cohen—the former Donald Trump “fixer” who briefly became the collective darling of the American people with his heartwarming, only moderately self-serving testimony in front of the House Oversight Committee—would be spending the next three years of his life, after being convicted earlier this year on a variety of charges, including tax evasion and facilitating illegal campaign contributions. In what we can only assume was the pay-off of a favor to a harried Saturday Night Live writer somewhere, the Bureau revealed that Cohen will soon be taking up residence in the Federal Correctional Institute in Otisville, New York—a.k.a. the same medium-security prison that currently houses both MTV reality star The Situation and Billy McFarland, a.k.a. “The Fyre Fest guy”.
Let’s get a quick disclaimer out of the way here: Prison sucks for pretty much anybody. It’s inherently dehumanizing, unsafe, and designed to break people down, and “cushy” prison sentences remain a very subjective idea. Still, it’s worth noting that Otisville is the place Bernie Madoff unsuccessfully asked to be sent to serve out his life sentence about a decade back, and as a facility for non-violent offenders, it’s generally considered to be a much less dangerous place than many of the spots where Cohen could have ended up—unlike the fates of any number of imprisoned Americans without the foresight to spend years as Trump’s personal (alleged) mistress-buyer-offer.
Anyway, we’re going to spend the rest of our afternoon quietly imagining the conversations Cohen, The Situation, and McFarland might have with each other in their open-bunk housing, reminiscing on the finer points of American club culture and how hard remembering to pay your taxes can be. (Hey, SNL writers: Can we get Taran Killam to come back to be the Fyre Fest guy when this inevitably makes it on the air?)