Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Oh Jesus Christ, here's the trailer for Mary Magdalene

It seems like this Mary Magdalene movie has been threatening to hit theaters since, well, ye olden days of Jesus. What was it–10 years ago when we saw those rad photos of Rooney Mara’s Mary smoking cigarettes on set next to Joaquin Phoenix’s crucified Jesus? Behold! I say unto you there is finally a trailer for Mary Magdalene, and lo, did it make us very sleepy.


The worst crime this trailer commits is making us believe, in the first three seconds, that Mary might be extremely horny for Jesus. Unfortunately, she is incredibly not. Instead, Mary Magdalene looks like a very boring movie about the least nefarious cult leader of all time and his most famous follower, who risked everything–like hypothermia–to support him. The title cards in the trailer are practically begging you to bring a pillow to this snooze-fest: “From the director of Lion... and the producers of The King’s Speech...” Your god-fearing nana, however, will be thrilled, especially when it’s revealed that we’re being treated to yet another depiction of Jesus’ crucifixion. Perhaps the best thing that can be said for Mary Magdalene is that it’s not the weirdest Joaquin Phoenix role of the year?

IFC Films (which rescued the movie from post-Weinstein limbo) is releasing Mary Magdalene in theaters on April 12, but you can fall asleep to it in the comfort of your own home when the film hits VOD a week later, on April 19. If you’re dealing with insomnia and you can’t wait that long, may I suggest reading the official synopsis?

She is one of the most transformative yet misunderstood women in history, alternately vilified as a sinner and canonized as a saint. For the first time, the incredible story of Mary Magdalene is told through her own eyes. In the first century A.D., the free-spirited Mary (Rooney Mara) flees the marriage her family has arranged for her, finding refuge and a sense of purpose in a radical new movement led by the charismatic, rabble-rousing preacher Jesus (Joaquin Phoenix). The sole woman among his band of disciples, Mary defies the prejudices of a patriarchal society as she undergoes a profound spiritual awakening and finds herself at the center of an earth-shaking historical moment. Boldly challenging received wisdom, Mary Magdalene is a rapturous, moving account of a miraculous woman who risked everything to follow her faith.