Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

NYC Health discourages orgies, advocates for glory holes and "sexy 'Zoom parties'"

Illustration for article titled NYC Health discourages orgies, advocates for glory holes and sexy Zoom parties
Screenshot: Frank Reynolds (Best Of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (YouTube)

The coronavirus pandemic has made just about every aspect of life different than it was before, and this extends, as New York City Health details in an important PSA, to having sex. As posted in a tweet by Josh Barro, city officials have arrived (not at all prematurely) with a set of guidelines meant to encourage safer COVID-era boinking that’s goddamn tumescent with creative ideas.

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“Safer Sex And COVID-19" is a treasure trove of great advice. Aside from the obvious points about staying home and “[minimizing] contact with others” as much as possible, the PSA acknowledges that, yeah, people want to and will continue to bang whenever possible, and tries to mitigate that risk. NYC Health encourages its readers to only have sex with people they already live with or to just rub one out instead of risking infection. It says not to have group sex either, but adds that, “if you decide to find a crowd,” precautions like hosting your orgy in “larger, more open, and well-ventilated spaces” and narrowing down your guest list are good ideas.

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The pamphlet also says that it’s a good idea to avoid physical contact altogether, opting instead for “video dates, sexting, subscription-based fan platforms” or “sexy ‘Zoom parties.’” Our favorite tips are the most inventive ones: In a section called “Take care during sex,” the PSA says that, hey, maybe “[wearing] a face covering or mask” or getting “creative with sexual positions and physical barriers, like walls” might help. You heard it from NYC Health first: If you can’t deny yourself any longer, throw on a face shield and get over to the nearest glory hole to sort things out.

All of this advice is, in our current moment, valuable and potentially life-saving. Because we’re eternal seventh-graders, it’s also hilarious. Still, even if we can’t resist laughing at some of the language, that doesn’t mean readers shouldn’t follow the guidelines set out by NYC Health and go forth to enjoy a fulfilling pandemic sex life full of knocking face masks together and rubbing up against the walls of bathroom stalls.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.

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