It’s important to make a good impression at the office. You wouldn’t want your co-workers hearing you take personal calls or discussing confidential information on the phone. That would be unprofessional and embarrassing. And thanks to BLOXVOX, a business-casual gimp mask you can scream into, you’ll never worry about committing any workplace faux pas ever again.

Remembering that Dennis Hopper’s Blue Velvet character seemed pretty successful all-in-all, BLOXVOX wants to help you screen your conversations by sticking a not-at-all-terrifying chunk of plastic to your mouth so others can’t hear you. As detailed in a wonderful Kickstarter promo showing a no-frills, open-concept office full of workers constantly discussing their legal issues and relationship drama, BLOXVOX allows voices to be muted while calls remain nice and clear—just thread a headphone’s mic into the device and hold the thing up to your mouth, or strap it onto your noggin for hands-free horror.

Advertisement

It is currently a couple thousand dollars toward its $25,000 goal on Kickstarter; for just $50, you too can join the muzzle-lution. Other use cases mentioned in the video include coffee shops, where other patrons will surely appreciate the silent majesty of your “business Bane” cosplay, and “any room with thin walls.” This last location is illustrated with a photo of what looks like a hotel bed, showing that, yes, BLOXVOX will allow for the quietest sadomasochist play you can imagine. (Muting the rattle of chains and the creak of leather is a problem not yet solved by any start-up.)

The Kickstarter page makes clear that “BLOXVOX is perfect for executives, auditors, doctors, lawyers, paralegals, M&A professionals, customer service departments, commuters, loud coworkers, and introverts,” but don’t limit your imagination to these categories alone. Why, just about anybody could do with a little more quiet in their lives, from tired parents strapping nightmare voice blockers onto their children’s faces to pet owners muting barks and meows with animals that look like furry F-15 pilots. Truly, BLOXVOX is a game-changer.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

Advertisement