In the liner notes to Incesticide, Kurt Cobain writes, “At this point I have a request for our fans. If any of you in any way hate homosexuals, people of different color, or women, please do this one favor for us—leave us the fuck alone! Don’t come to our shows and don’t buy our records.” We now know Cobain fucked that one up, because he forgot to saying anything about purchasing the band’s unreleased tracks. And he really made a mess of things by failing to include anything about “Don’t use our songs as blackmail fodder in America’s worst election since sitting President Millard Fillmore came in third to Franklin Pierce and General Winfield Scott.” Wednesday night, sentient inflatable punching bag Martin Shkreli took to Twitter to offer up a deal with America: Elect Donald Trump, and he’ll release previously unheard music from bands you very much would like to hear unheard music by.
If Trump wins, my entire unreleased music collection, including unheard Nirvana, Beatles, and of course, Wu-Tang, comes out, for free.
— Martin Shkreli (@MartinShkreli) October 27, 2016
He then proceeded to run a live stream of himself listening to what was ostensibly unreleased music by The Beatles. Of course, left unsaid in all this was whether Shkreli, a morality play about the potential for ending up alone that somehow attained human form, is just not smart enough to realize he was himself trolled on the internet by someone promising “legit NEVER HEARD Nirvana traxx” on Pirate’s Bay. The Beatles songs will turn out to be some dude in Ohio with ProTools and an ear for harmony, while the “unreleased Nirvana” probably stems from David Grohl thinking it’d be funny to hand Shkreli his solo demos from when he was 17 and super-high, and Shkreli gave him $200 grand in exchange for it.
Also, let’s not forget that the Feds could still seize that unreleased Wu-Tang album if they so choose, making this a potentially empty promise, much like Shkreli’s earlier assurances he was definitely just an average guy and not the spawn of the ghost of Jacob Marley and Mr. Potter from It’s A Wonderful Life. He’s currently on bail stemming from securities fraud charges, proving that even the person most befitting the description “It’s like God spilled a person” is occasionally right where he’s supposed to be.