Casino Royale

Daniel Craig has made it very clear that his fuck-giving levels have dipped dangerously low over the past year or so, saying last October that he’d “rather break this glass and slash my wrists” than don a white tuxedo and say the words “shaken, not stirred” on camera ever again. He’s been displaying all the classic symptoms of defuckdration, calling the famous playboy a sad, lonely little man, signing on for 20 episodes of a TV series, and basically doing everything short of pulling down his pants and taking a dump on M’s desk.

Yet the producers of the James Bond franchise are still trying to replenish him with an infusion of celebrity fucktrolytes, known in layman’s terms as “millions of dollars.” Bond producer Michael G. Wilson seemed confident that this treatment would work on Craig back in November, and why not? It got Harrison Ford to sign on for another Indiana Jones movie, and that guy had a fuckectomy back in the early ’80s.

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But apparently Craig has developed an immunity to cash, as according to The Daily Mail he recently turned down an offer of £68 million ($98.7 million at today’s exchange rate) to star in two more Bond films. And with Craig currently on fuck support, talk has now turned to who will take over as Bond when producers finally accept that Craig is gone and pull the plug. The Daily Mail indicates that Tom Hiddleston’s name is currently being bandied about, a respectable, if not exactly revolutionary, choice for the role. There’s no telling what’ll happen if the internet’s choice for the role, Idris Elba, doesn’t end up on the short list for the new Bond, but it’s safe to assume the streets will run red with fucks.