Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Nobody wants to fuck Luigi

Illustration for article titled Nobody wants to fuck Luigi
Screenshot: Nintendo

This month marks the 35th anniversary of the release of arguably the most iconic video game ever, Super Mario Bros., and Nintendo has been pulling out all the stops to celebrate. That, of course, hasn’t stopped fans from finding, um, other ways to show their love and appreciation for everyone’s favorite turtle-stomping Italian plumber siblings.

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Masturbation. We’re talking about masturbation.

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Pornhub Insights dedicated its most recent post to a deep dive of all things Mario Bros. “in honor” of nearly four decades’ worth of what once was simple, wholesome family entertainment. The findings? Nobody wants to fuck poor ol’ Luigi.

Illustration for article titled Nobody wants to fuck Luigi
Image: Pornhub (Other)
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Illustration for article titled Nobody wants to fuck Luigi
Image: Pornhub (Fair Use)

Despite a whopping 142% increase in Mario and Mario-adjacent searches following Nintendo’s announcements, Pornhub reveals that no one—and we mean no one—wants to hop in the sack with Mario’s brother. In fact, the only Super Mario character less desirable than Luigi is Birdo, which, if we’re being honest, is baffling on a pornographic level. Just look at this thing.

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Interestingly, Pornhub also reveals that men are 571% more likely to search for this variety of porn than women. “That’s much larger than the gender gap we have found for other video games like Fortnite,” writes Pornhub, which, okay, good to know.

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Andrew Paul is a contributing writer with work recently featured by NBC Think, GQ, Slate, Rolling Stone, and McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He writes the newsletter, (((Echo Chamber))).

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