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No, seriously, which Disney villain would be best in bed?

It is a question every Disney fan must face eventually: Which of the studio’s many memorable villains would be the best, most satisfying lover? This is precisely the issue facing the pop culture mavens at Pajiba, who previously debated the sex lives of Harry Potter characters. Now, panelists Rebecca Pahle, Kristy Puchko, and Agent X have reconvened to speculate upon the bedroom prowess of Captain Hook, Maleficent, Gaston, and many others in a piece entitled “A Serious Discussion Of Which Disney Villain Is Best In Bed.” The conversation hits a snag early on, however, when the earnest commentators realize that some of Disney’s most memorable baddies are not exactly human, a fact that might take the conversation to an uncomfortable place. Take Scar from The Lion King, for example. “He’s a very swishy lion,” says Pahle, to which Agent X replies, “I just thought he was British.” And then there is The Little Mermaid’s Ursula, who seems to be an octopus from the waist down. “I don’t understand how octopuses do it,” admits Puchko. Ursula’s human form, on the other hand, is declared to be “cute, if obviously evil looking.” Agent X points out that human Ursula would still be awkwardly trying to learn the basic mechanics of sexual reproduction, as in, “Wait. Shit. Hold on, gimme a sec to figure out how this thing works.”

As the conversation moves on from Ursula, the panelists discuss at length whether or not Captain Hook and Smee had something going on in Peter Pan (“Who else are they going to do it with?”) and whether the pirate’s namesake appendage ever caused any sex-related injuries. Then, there is considerable speculation on the erotic exploits of Beauty And The Beast antagonist Gaston, including how often he masturbates and whether or not he has “boned” those three fawning triplets and, if so, whether they had to fake their orgasms. “I am sure,” says Agent X, “he needs his partners to tell him how big he is.” And so it goes from there. Aladdin’s Jafar? “Not great on consent, but he’s done some freaky shit.” Sleeping Beauty’s Maleficent? “She knows what she wants.” Cruella De Vil of 101 Dalmatians? “I imagine her having mommy dearest hook-ups, angry drunk one-night stands,” says Puchko. The Disney villain sex summit is nothing if not thorough, eventually touching on such favorites as Tangled, Frozen, The Emperor’s New Groove, and even The Hunchback Of Notre Dame, whose frustrated Frollo is “the only one whose Disney song is about how he wants to fuck someone.” The panelists universally decry Frollo’s acumen in the boudoir. “Impotence, impotence everywhere.” “Yeah, he weeps and then hates you for it.”

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