Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

The night that Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift at the 2009 VMAs remains one of the most important moments in music history, to those who measure historical importance in terms of how many annoyingly persistent memes it produces. Yet for years we’ve remained unclear on the motivation behind it, besides some fatal combination of alcohol and “being Kanye West." But today Gawker has unearthed an unverified, though very probably real tape that was covertly recorded of Kanye holding court (read: yelling) at New York’s Corner Bistro post-show, at last revealing the very logical reasoning Kanye innovated to explain why he did it: Because Kanye worked very hard on his verses for “Run This Town,” therefore Taylor Swift shouldn’t have won. Also, Elvis. Also, racism.

Kanye’s thesis, in part:

I'm pushing the envelope! I wrote my fuckin' 'Run This Town' verse for a fuckin' month! When I heard Eminem's verse on the Drake shit, I went back and rewrote my shit for two days. I canceled appointments to rewrite! I fuckin' care! You know what I'm saying? And that's what I'm saying. Because I did that, Taylor Swift cannot win over Beyoncé! Because I wrote my verse in two days, Taylor Swift cannot beat Beyoncé. As long as I'm alive! And if I'm alive, kill me then! Kill me then! As long as I'm alive, you gon' have to deal with it. 'Cause there ain't gonna be no more motherfucking Elvises with no James Browns.


Indeed, the Elvises need the James Browns like the daffodils need the rains, like the verses need the month of rewrites or possibly two days, like Beyoncé needs Kanye’s diligence on unrelated songs, like Kanye needs his appointments, but cancels them anyway. It’s all a very roundabout way of saying that Kanye cares as much about putting himself into his rhymes as Beyoncé cared about putting herself into her choreography for “Single Ladies.” And so,  by the transitive property, because Kanye worked hard on “Run This Town,” logically Taylor Swift cannot beat Beyoncé. Please refer to the chart below.

The fact that Swift did win can probably only be blamed on chaotic variables, like a butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil because it didn’t hear “Run This Town” yet. Or because of MTV’s baffling, possibly racist preference of white female singers like Pink:

[A female voice asks, "Why are you so angry? What's the anger?"] Because my mother got arrested for the fuckin' sit-ins. My mother died for this fame shit! I moved to fuckin' Hollywood chasing this shit. My mother died because of this shit. Fuck MTV.

It ain't no love. What the fuck was Pink performing? Don't nobody know that song. Pink performed twice! Two songs? How the fuck Pink perform two songs and I didn't even get asked to perform "Heartless." "Heartless" is the biggest song of the year! It had the most spins of the first quarter! I don't know that Pink song! But I noticed that she's pink!


Speaking of inconsequential pink things, Taylor Swift's Twitter account featured a joke this morning that she will “keep a firmer grip on the mic” at this year’s VMAs, because she certainly wouldn’t want another incident generating four years’ worth of conversation.

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