Paul Ryan is quitting the House—say it loud, and there’s music playing—and finally returning to a life where the only people he can regularly terrorize with his bad decisions are his family and his inevitable host of memoir editors and speaking engagement bookers. We have to assume that the transition back to private life will be a tricky one for the soon-to-be-former Speaker—say it soft, and it’s almost like praying—especially because even nature itself seems to find his smug Muppet face abhorrent.
At least, that’s the only takeaway we can muster from a story Ryan himself recently told, in which he revealed that the animal kingdom had declared war on his car. Of course, there’s a depressing subtext here—the family of woodchucks that moved into the underbody of Ryan’s family Chevy and rendered it inoperable only had their chance because he’s been in Washington for so damn long—but it still conjures up images of a beautiful world in which all creatures, great and small, conspire to fuck up Paul Ryan’s life. (Like Zoo, but if it happened exclusively to a guy who can only cum while screaming the phrase “tax cuts” into a cross-stitched pillow with a Bible verse on it.)
Wisconsin, y’all have badgers, right? We would love to see a badger do its thing on or near Paul Ryan. Someone make this show.