Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Nation exhales long-held sigh of relief as BioWare announces Mass Effect trilogy remaster

Illustration for article titled Nation exhales long-held sigh of relief as BioWare announces iMass Effect /itrilogy remaster
Photo: PATRICK KOVARIK/AFP via Getty Images

Our long national nightmare is finally at an end this morning, as authoritative sources from across the country—i.e., those people who follow the Twitter account of video game developer BioWare—are making the call: The Mass Effect trilogy of space-based action-RPGS/alien boning simulators is finally getting a remastered re-release.

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It was a day that many thought might never come, a hard-fought shift in the cultural reality that now sees the Mass Effect games transition from their previous status as three disparate, well-respected video games about shooting and smooching people in space, into one stronger, more resilient, and unified whole (that will also be in HD). The new collection’s Spring 2021 release will finally allow a flowering of democracy in our embattled country, as people are once again free to choose for themselves whether to save Kaidan or Ashley on Virmire, although, obviously, nobody ever chooses to save Ashley, because Ashley frickin’ sucks.

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But no seismic shift in the national zeitgeist can ever go entirely smoothly; we’re already hearing reports of large blocs of consumers refusing to acknowledge the decision, claiming, with admittedly significant evidence, that “All the driving shit in ME 1 sucked.” (We’re also seeing serious allegations that Jacob from Mass Effect 2 is “a total snoozeboner.”) Still, though, the national consensus is increasingly clear: The Mass Effect trilogy remaster (formally titled Mass Effect Legendary Edition, and scheduled to come out on PS4, PC, Xbox One, plus Microsoft and Sony’s about-to-launch next-gen consoles) is coming; we just have to hold on a few more months to see this long-cherished dream come to fruition at last.

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