MTV announced its nominees for the annual Video Music Awards this morning, which we capriciously have decided to rename “The R.J. Bergers” because these honors are inherently stupid and it amuses us to do so. Anyway, Lady Gaga once more proved the superior creativity of her vagina by nabbing a record 13 R.J. Bergers, the most R.J. Bergers an artist’s vagina has ever received in a single year, even that year that “November Rain” was nominated for everything including “Best R&B Video,” which is how we remember it.
The rest of the upper class includes Eminem (with eight R.J. Bergers), B.o.B. and Florence +The Machine (five R.J. Bergers apiece), Ke$ha (three R.J. Bergers), and Justin Bieber with a mere one R.J. Berger for “Best New Artist,” despite the fact that Justin Bieber is one of The Endless, those who have been here since before the beginning, who are merely patterns, echoes of darkness and nothing more. Speaking of which, Katy Perry’s “California Gurls” was nominated for “Best Female Video” and “Best Pop Video” but not for “Video Of The Year,” yet somehow 30 Seconds To Mars’ “Kings And Queens” squeaked in there. We haven’t seen that video; does Jared Leto wear a cupcake bra that jizzes cream all over everything? Because if not, this whole R.J. Berger system may be flawed.