Much like Johnny Depp wrenching the last dripping beads of flop sweat from his novelty mustache collection, the studio behind Mortdecai seems to be maximizing its efforts to wring a few more dollars from the box-office bomb. According to Indiewire, the movie that you thought was a Funny Or Die parody of a Johnny Depp film is now able to be ignored in two different versions: rated R for Blu-ray and VOD, and a separate, PG-13 cut for a Digital HD release.

There’s no word on what has been cut from the film to make it more palatable for family audiences, but here’s a list of the most likely items censored for your enjoyment:

  • Every utterance of “fuck”
  • Two scenes of brief male nudity
  • Gwyneth Paltrow’s full penetration sex scene (no body double)
  • Scene where Depp angrily explains how Mortdecai is about ethics in gaming journalism
  • Extraneous closing-credits collection of dick pics from the production
  • 17 different puns based on the British slang “cheeky monkey”
  • The full-length feature Mortdecai

You’ll have the chance to see for yourself on May 5 what was removed. Not because that’s the day the film is released for download, but because that’s how long it will take Johnny Depp to personally deliver all 14 of the pre-ordered copies of Mortdecai to the CIA Black Ops locations that ordered them.

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