“When you eat, I will creep / Into your thoughts like a bad meal / that you can’t consume.”
Photo: Gabriel Olsen (FilmMagic via Getty Images)

Let’s hope Morrissey was telling the truth when he said he really doesn’t know and really doesn’t care if the people stare (then, the people stare) because he has just revealed the entirety of his diet, and it seems safe to say the people are going to stare—and wonder how he is still alive.

You may recall that Morrissey has called a moratorium on press interviews with anyone who isn’t already a fan, thanks to some quotes he gave a German publication saying refugees had made Germany “the rape capital of Europe,” among other charming anecdotes. But he’ll still happily chat with fans: As Stereogum reports, the musician recently opened up about his diet in a long interview conducted via email with a fan, and to anyone who has heard him hold court on cruelty to animals, the basics are no surprise. He’s a vegan (albeit without using the term—“I’m just me,” he says, though “me” is vegan), and won’t eat any foodstuffs derived from animals. But also, it seems his diet is terrible:

I’ve always found food to be very difficult because I only eat bread, potatoes, pasta and nuts… all stodge. I can’t eat anything that has any flavour. I’ve never had a curry, or coffee, or garlic...I’m absolutely hopeless when I’m handed a menu in a restaurant. I go directly to the Kiddie’s Meals. If I find baked beans then the night is a huge success. If you ever bring me out to dinner it’s important that you also bring a toaster.

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Look, this is a bizarre claim. Were this to be accurate—that he only eats bread, potatoes, pasta, and nuts—then Morrissey would likely be dead already. He admits to eating baked beans on occasion, so clearly there are exceptions to the Morrissey Food Pyramid Of Starch. But the flavor thing is just appalling. Who doesn’t like flavor? The winner of 2015's Worst Sex Scene In Fiction, that’s who.

Still, there’s good evidence that these claims are bullshit. At the very least, they were bullshit in the very recent past. Let’s look at the tour rider Consequence of Sound posted detailing the food provided for Morrissey’s 2016 tour. (An “alleged” document, but it was acquired by fan site Morrissey Solo, which seems pretty confident in its veracity.) Not only is it a pretty decent-looking rider, it’s plenty healthy, and chock-full of flavor: Black bean and corn enchiladas, tomato risotto, roasted cauliflower (in a chickpea saag curry, no less, one of his “I’ve never had” meal claims), and tofu escalopes in salsa. That all sounds delicious, Morrissey—why pretend you don’t like things that taste good? Perhaps it’s just part of a plan to cultivated a new image of being a bland and inoffensive guy, though it might require a few more pleas of only liking bread to counter statements like, “We are all called racist now, and the word is actually meaningless.”