Hey, parents! Thanks for clicking this article, we’re all going to have just a heckuva good time here in just a second. Before we get started, though, could you do us a quick favor? Why don’t you go ahead and usher the kiddos out of the room. Casual-like, please. That’s right, send ’em off to the iPad hutch, or the play bin, or whatever your family’s personal attention jail is. No big rush, no indication that anything is wrong, just some totally normal kid-removal procedures. Are they gone? Great. That’s really great. Now, why don’t you go ahead and give that door over there a quick little lockity-lock? Or put a chair under the handle, like they do in movies? Maybe nail some wood across it to form a makeshift but sturdy barricade? Whatever it takes, really. All done? Awesome. That’s just perfect. Okay, now that all those precautions have been taken:
Parents of the planet, we regret to inform you that you’re fucked. The Minions have found out about TV, they’ve figured out crossovers, and now the Minions Holiday Special—featuring all your favorite characters from the wider Illumination Cinematic Universe properties, like Sing and The Secret Life Of Pets—is coming to shift the balance of power in your homes forever. If your kids find out about this fucking thing—possibly by viewing the above trailer, showing off the four shorts that will run during the NBC event on November 27—then you will never be safe again, instead dooming yourself to dressing yourself up like Homer Simpson’s dumbass bean-shaped cousin every Halloween for another decade, or until death itself arrives to finally offer you that sweet surcease.
You can’t just block the TV, either; the Minions Holiday Special—which not only features the sight of one of the Minions trying to fuck a fire hydrant, but also reportedly has teaser footage from the COVID-delayed Minions: The Rise Of Gru—will run on Peacock the following day, and presumably in perpetuity in your home, if you let it.
Wait a second, what’s that sound? Dear god: The iPod hutch! They’ve bypassed the parental controls in the iPad hutch! Get out now, parents. Get out while you still can!