For more than 25 years now, Mila Kunis has been allowed to run free through the California hills, without ever once being captured and put down for stealing chickens—the only thing separating her from a coyote being a really good agent. But finally, justice may be served in the amount of $5,000, which is how much Kunis is currently being sued for, on the damning charge of chicken theft. It’s hoped that this $5,000 will then act as a deterrent toward Mila Kunis stealing any more chickens in the future, along with a much stronger fence.
Details of Kunis’ chicken thievery have been brought to light by Kristina Karo, an aspiring singer and person who knows how to exploit the Internet, who claims that the two were once childhood friends in Ukraine. Back then, Karo says that Kunis would come by her family’s chicken farm to play with her beloved pet chicken—a chicken she named “Doggie,” because Ukraine is sad. Even more tragic, Doggie eventually went missing, and Kunis coldly confessed that she’d taken Doggie for her own.
“Kristina, you can have any other chicken as a pet—you have a whole chicken farm,” Karo says Kunis told her, cribbing from Tolstoy.
After that, Karo says the betrayal of her friend and the loss of the pet chicken she’d regarded as a dog transformed this otherwise perfectly stable person into an “emotional wreck,” necessitating years of therapy from various doctor chickens. Karo later moved to L.A. to seek her own fame and fortune as a pop star, which led to her current gig of making outlandish YouTube videos and “performing at the hottest gay clubs.” Now, totally coincidentally, she’s suing a famous movie star over something ridiculous.
Of course, one could suggest that this whole lawsuit, for a purposefully frivolous amount and created for maximum exposure, is just a put-on. That Karo is a knowing fraud, whose videos like “I Love America” and “Give Me Green Card” are other examples of how she’s mined exaggerated Eastern European stereotypes for Borat-like laughs and viral fame—all so that she can get attention and be booked at slightly hotter gay clubs.
But according to Karo’s lawsuit, living in such close proximity to Kunis has sidetracked her entertainment career with dwelling on the loss of a chicken, and the resulting distress has “prevented her from pursuing the American dream.” Never mind that getting briefly famous for something stupid is the American dream.
Kunis has yet to respond to charges that she steals chickens, or that she raised that goony bird until she could marry it.