As part of her secret mission to turn the entire nation into a lawless gangland of spoken rhyme and low cholesterol counts, Michelle Obama will follow her invite of that vile rapper Common to the White House by helping to put together an album of “hip-hop,” the soundtrack to America's values dying. According to Politico, Obama has conspired with some of hip-hop’s most fearsome, hardcore rappers—Jordin Sparks, Doug E. Fresh, Reverend Run (who once declared himself the “King of Rock,” much as Barack Obama declared himself KING OF AMERICA)—on a compilation titled Songs For A Healthier America, a 19-track album aimed at inspiring America’s children to embrace exercise and nutritious eating. Or, as commenters on Politico have characterized it, “With each passing day we are looking more and more like the Old Soviets with all the government sponsored PROPAGANDA being pushed on the people …… especially the Government … umm Gub ment Educated Children,” and then some stuff about Benghazi, Jesus, and abortion.

Of course, being a good socialist, Michelle Obama doesn’t actually do any rapping herself, instead letting others do all the work for her. But she will make cameos in the associated videos, like the one below for lead-off track “Everybody.” Those clips will soon be circulated among public schools in New York and other major cities, thereby indoctrinating our children into believing exercising and eating vegetables is cool, just because they heard it from their rap heroes like Doug E. Fresh, Michelle Obama, and Salad Bar (a hip-hop supergroup composed of Matisyahu, Ariana Grande, and Travis Barker).

And then, once Michelle Obama has successfully pushed her push-up agenda, and fostered a generation of children who walk occasionally and eat carrots—thereby crippling America’s auto and beef industries—all of America’s cows will just be set free to roam the nation, so riled up by the blaring, carrot-promoting rap music that has replaced our national anthem that they stampede and trample our carless children. And of course, no one will be able to defend them, because Obama will have taken all the guns.


Anyway, the tracklist is below (via Pitchfork). As you'll see, it’s littered with hip-hop slang like “Hip Hop LEAN” and “Pass The Rock”—which are common code words on the street for eating non-fatty meats and lifting objects of moderate weight to increase body strength.

01 Everybody [ft. Jordin Sparks, Doug E Fresh, Ryan Beatty, Artie Green, Dr Oz and the Hip Hop Doc]
02 U R What You Eat [ft. Salad Bar (Matisyahu, Ariana Grande, Travis Barker)] 03 Let’s Move [ft. Doug E Fresh, Artie Green, Chauncey Hawkins, Easy AD]
04 Just Believe [ft. Ashanti, Gerry Gunn, Artie Green, Robbie Nova, Chauncey Hawkins]
05 Veggie Luv [ft. Monifah and J Rome]
06 Hip Hop FEET (Finding Exercise Energy Thresholds) [ft. DMC, Artie Green, and Chauncey Hawkins]
07 Stronger [ft. Shayna Steele, Jeremy Jordan, Our Time, Nils Lofgren]
08 Give Myself a Try [ft. Ryan Beatty]
09 Jump Up (It's a Good Day) Let's Move version [ft. Brady Rymer and the Little Band That Could]
10 Hip Hop LEAN [ft. Artie Green]
11 Pass the Rock [ft. Iman Schumpert and Artie Green]
12 Good Living [ft. Ashton Jones]
13 Beautiful [ft. Daisy Grant and Artie Green]
14 Change the Game [ft. The Happiness Club and Naledge]
15 Wanna Jump (Let’s Move) [ft. Paul Burch and WPA Ballclub]
16 Mother May I? [ft. Amelia Robinson]
17 We Like Vegetables [ft. Los Barkers!]
18 Get Up Sit Up [ft. Ian James and Ricky Baitz]
19 One Step Forward [ft. Samite]