The film adaptation of Assassin's Creed—which promises, at long last, to relieve you of the burden of mashing buttons, thus freeing up that energy for cell division and texting—has found its star. Noted sword-wielder Michael Fassbender has signed on to play its protagonist, a barkeep who discovers that he hails from a long line of assassins specially skilled in the art of stabbing people and collecting flags, and who is kidnapped and forced by a nefarious corporation to apply those same skills to murdering Scott Stapp murdering history's Scott Stapps, metaphorically speaking. With Fassbender also on board as a producer, Ubisoft is now said to be developing the project independent of any studio in order to retain "creative control"—as who would ever want to take a story whose interactivity was its primary selling point, then just sit back and passively watch it unfold without your input?