Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Illustration for article titled McDonalds unveils candles for McMasochists who want a beef-scented home
Photo: Richard Derk (Getty Images)

Ever wake up after a particularly drunken reverie to find the air in your home tinged with the scent of deep-fried guilt? The source is usually found in the trash can, where the remains of a McDonald’s Double Quarter Pounder wrapper are most likely interred alongside your dignity and any adult plans you had for the day ahead of you. In these instances, have you ever stared down into your garbage bag of bad decisions and thought, “If only I could have this shame linger heavily in the air for interminable days on end, permeating and haunting the very foundations of my home like some Edgar Allan Poe-inspired grease ghost”?

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Well, you’re in luck, you gross sack of soggy fries! Per an official press release from McDonald’s, the monsters among us can purchase a “set of 6 custom scented candles in glass containers, inspired by Quarter Pounder ingredients: Bun, Ketchup, Pickle, Cheese, Onion, 100% Fresh Beef.”

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The candles are apparently made from a soy wax blend combining “fine fragrance” and essential oils, although it still remains unclear what oils found in a McDonald’s could be considered “essential” in any honest, humane sense of the word. The site also suggests homeowners burn all six, 25-hour-burning candles simultaneously for “maximum deliciousness,” which seems more like a means to summon some kind of Grimace Cenobite than anything else.

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We’d say that at least this is better than a candle supposedly scented like Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina, but honestly, we just don’t know anymore.

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Andrew Paul's work is recently featured by Rolling Stone, GQ, The Forward, and The Believer, as well as McSweeney's Internet Tendency and TNY's Daily Shouts.

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