Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Math and philosophy have finally proven Kirby's evil

Kirby, a dead-eyed pink blob who runs around inhaling everything in his path, has always been a suspicious character. His unknowable facial expressions and mysterious biology give him an ominous quality—a worrying, alien-like nature that seems like it could turn into undirected, kaiju-style violence at a moment’s notice. Our Kirby concerns have always been fairly nebulous, though, until now. Thanks to a video from Dumbest Of All Worlds, we now have compelling mathematical and philosophical evidence that Kirby is more monstrous than we could have ever dreamed.

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Video host Michal first concentrates on Kirby’s “Power Of Suck,” beginning her argument with a look into the physics behind the blob’s ability to vacuum up objects in his vicinity. Using a train—the largest item he’s ever been seen hoovering into his gaping maw—and Kirby’s height as key figures in a physics equation, Michal runs the numbers on the Power Of Suck. She discovers that a being capable of suctioning in and eating an entire train would easily be able to power wind turbines in perpetuity, generating enough electricity for “half a million homes,” and clean up oil spills or air pollution.

The clip then turns to Kirby’s motivations. “Once you remove all of the puzzle games, 94% of narrative-driven Kirby games start out with him eating, sleeping, or otherwise engaged in leisurely activity when receiving his call to action,” Michael says. She outlines a case for his heroics being accidental byproducts of a hedonist quest for pleasure and established the foundational ethical issue at hand: “Kirby spends his days being a lazy fuck until someone pisses him off and he just goes fucking apeshit.”

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The final point, illustrated through utilitarianism and deontology, is that Kirby chooses to do nothing to help the world when it would be the simplest thing for him to radically improve the lives of those around him.

It’s a convincing argument, though a dangerous one to make. After all, if Kirby’s Power Of Suck gives him godlike control over the entire planet, what’s to stop the pink creep from inhaling every microchip on earth into his insatiable black hole of a gut so that evidence of his evil can never be spread again?

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.

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