While critics and audiences have been talking up John Krasinski’s A Quiet Place since its release last week, the reign of 2018's best horror film so far has just been cut short thanks to none other than Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, who, as we well know, ruins everything.
Compiled from the Senate hearing we apparently can’t look away from, Slate has assembled a supercut of every time the Zuck, eyes fixed toward the data yet to be mined from your immortal soul, says “Senator,” “Congressman,” or “Congresswoman.”
While this may sound innocuous enough, the cursed video has to be watched for its full effect to become apparent. Simply stare into your monitor, crank the volume, and allow yourself to drift close (but not too close!) to the dark seduction of the world’s least relaxing ASMR video.
Soon enough the titles lose all meaning, slipping into the babble of a primordial, still-unformed language. Zuckerberg, having been trained to address the mean old grown-ups getting on his case with their proper titles, begins to resemble an unblinking machine on the fritz as the words cascade again and again from his (admittedly lifelike) mouth.
Only a bit more than a minute long, the video somehow manages to fold time and space into itself, stretching 77 seconds into something that feels more like an entire day spent wandering a wasteland lit only by a blood-red sun. It accomplishes all it needs without wasting time, casting its malevolent spell with ease. Once watched, we barely need to advise you not to answer your phone. As soon as you hear Zuckerberg croak “Congressman,” “Congresswoman,” or “Senator” the seven-day countdown to your doom begins.
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