In news that should give all struggling, middle-aged, multimillionaire actors the inspiration to persevere and make something of themselves, Mark Wahlberg and Charlie Sheen have both finally graduated high school, after years spent loitering on movie sets, and hanging out with a bad crowd of agents and producers. Also, the woman next door said she saw them behind the Arby’s, and there was a brown bag that looked like it might have been a beer. Oh, but Mark Wahlberg and Charlie Sheen wouldn’t know anything about that, we suppose.
The 42-year-old Wahlberg, having been elected valedictorian of being fahkin’ awesome, wrote his own commencement speech in The Huffington Post, in which he spoke of the difficulty of getting his diploma after dropping out of ninth grade—a decision that immediately preceded repeated brushes with the law and pop-rap. Wahlberg said that, inspired by his kids, he spent the past year diligently taking classes online and studying while filming, telling People that, on the set of 2 Guns, “Denzel was always asking me what I was doing but I didn’t want to share that information with him”—presumably because Denzel Washington would have called him a nerd and then some shit would have had to go down. You can’t just let someone call you a nerd, even if you are a high school graduate. Mark Wahlberg would have had to put a stop to that.
While there are lots of other people who probably still think they’re better than Mark Wahlberg or something but are way wrong, Charlie Sheen can at least boast that he, too, just picked up the diploma he’d similarly let languish for 30 years, and his graduation ceremony was on The Tonight Show. However, as Sheen told TMZ, he didn’t actually take any classes like some loser, because he’s Charlie Sheen. Instead, one of the baseball coaches “worked the principal” on his behalf, arguing that it made “perfect sense” to forgive the credits Sheen was shy due to the fact that he’s “donated a lot of stuff to the school and he does a lot of stuff in the community,” and because—as with all things that are given to Charlie Sheen, regardless of his actual merit—he is famous. Once again it’s a lesson to all high school dropouts to never give up on being born into a movie star’s family, then building a career out of being celebrated for terrible behavior.
Like those of all recent high school graduates, Mark Wahlberg’s and Charlie Sheen’s diplomas are expected to do little for their career. On the other hand, now they can stay out as late as they want and you can’t say nothing about it.