Oh the indomitable hubris of man—of the blacksmith who bends iron to fire, of the bricklayer who stacks mortar to stone, and by the unyielding force of his will, so shapes the world. His primal fearlessness abides in the ironclad livers of the modern film producer who, sounding his barbaric yawp across the rooftops of the studio, cries out, “I will take the strategy video game Rollercoaster Tycoon and, by the sweat of my brow, create narrative where none existed before!” Make no mistake—his is a craggy path, beset on all sides by the hissing of craven doubters who say, “But the whole point of that game is to create a whole bunch of fucked-up loops to make the little people vomit, then leave a piece of track missing so they end up careening to a fiery death—how do you make a film out of that?”
But lo, our man—who is all men—will not be deterred. For this is the same shortsightedness that greeted Christopher Columbus when he first set sail to conquer sea or plummet from the edges of the Earth trying, or Chris Columbus when he set out to make Bicentennial Man: It is the mew of the weak, answered by the mighty roar of the visionary. It is Rollercoaster Tycoon: The Movie, and it will make testament to man’s everlasting glory via its alchemist’s blend of live-action and CGI, and probably some 3-D, because that’s all it takes to make money these days. And not long from now, during a much-needed weary respite from their victory, probable director Harald Zwart (of the upcoming Karate Kid remake) and screenwriters David Ronn and Jay Scherick (of The Smurfs and this summer’s Kevin James comedy The Zookeeper) will look down at their creation, and know what it means to be a god.