Screenshot: “Smooth” by Santana ft Rob Thomas (YouTube)

It’s going to be hot as hell this weekend. For much of the country, temperatures will be in the ‘90s or above. And when things get that hot—we’re talking “seven inches from a mid-day sun” hot—there’s really only one song you can listen to: “Smooth” by Santana featuring Rob Thomas. But what if one song isn’t enough? What if it gets so hot this summer that you need a whole album made entirely out of bits and pieces of Santana’s 1999 masterwork? Well, we’ve got some good news for you.

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Santana Mythos For Bob T. Thomas is a 13-track nightmare that comes to us from an artist calling themselves Jetski. Each song on the album is constructed out of chopped and screwed samples from “Smooth,” and range from dub-infused latin grooves to loop-heavy endurance pieces that sound like they were composed by Philip Glass’ evil, Tommy Bahama shirt-wearing twin. The opening track, “Not So Smooth By Satan Ft. Rab Ham,” eases you into the cacophony that is just the starting point for the later, messy soundscapes of “Smash A Natty For Bob” and “Rob Thomas’ Fat Bony Ass (Not Math).” Truly, every track name is a gift.

Upon listening to the entire album, we can say, unequivocally, it is brutally awful. It is hell. It is pain in audio form. And yet, it is, at its essence, “Smooth.” It’s as if someone extracted DNA from Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas on that sweaty summer day and over the past nineteen years it grew and mutated into this shuddering monstrosity. So, basically, it’s a 10/10.

If your day is somehow going too well, you can subject yourself to the album in its entirety on Soundcloud, Bandcamp, or YouTube.

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