Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Man, fuck these Chewbacca shoes

Illustration for article titled Man, fuck these Chewbacca shoes
Screenshot: YouTube

Chewbacca, beloved Star Wars Sasquatch, has been murdered and his pelt refashioned into shoes. It gives us no joy to report this. As everyone knows, the best way to appreciate Chewbacca is when he’s alive, bleating words of encouragement to his friends and wasting storm troopers with that big laser crossbow he uses so well. Adidas’s decision to hunt down the space beast and turn his luxurious fur into sneakers is reprehensible. That the shoes look like absolute trash only makes matters worse.

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Spotted by Fandom, the Rivalry Hi Star Wars Shoes are set to come next month and are perfect for obsessive collectors and, we suppose, anyone who hates not wearing shoes that look like an Ugg fucked an Adidas high top.

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Aside from the brown and tan coloring and a toy accessory-like Chewbacca bandolier thrown over the laces, the most notable thing about them is the piles of fake far attached all over what could have been a pair of perfectly good shoes. This sucks on a purely visual level. We can only imagine it’s even worse if a wearer gets any rain or snow on these suckers, turning their feet into two wet dogs. To top off the mountain of bad decisions employed here, there’s also the words “STAR” and “WARS” added on the front of the shoes and a tag that reads “CHEWBACCA” beneath a picture of the poor creature whose life was cut short to create these things. All of this very direct branding should be helpful for anyone who looks down at their horrible fur sneakers and wonders why they ever thought it’d be a good idea to buy them.

If, for whatever godforsaken reason, you want to put these pieces of shit on your feet, they go on sale on October 21st.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.

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