Among the various tragedies of Macaulay Culkin, here’s one that’s less immediately obvious: He’s forever denied one of the laziest joys of the holiday season, i.e., flipping on TNT, seeing that Home Alone is on, and just sort of zoning out with a Christmas classic. Not that Culkin hasn’t watched the movie that made him inescapable, even from himself, over the years. It’s just that, as he told Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show last night, there’s always a performative aspect to it, usually because he’s doing it at a girlfriend’s request.

Culkin granted viewers a cheerful window into the absurdist hellscape of his life during the interview, suggesting that multiple partners have asked him to watch the film with them, presumably because there’s something super arousing about sitting in a room with a living Before And After picture. “I have indulged that,” he admitted about being asked to re-watch his younger self, adding that “Most of the time, I’m just muttering my lines, under my breath.” But apparently it does the trick, as he quietly noted, “Whatever gets her motor running, I guess.”

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At which point the conversation between Culkin and Fallon somehow got even more awkward than it did when a famous child star was suggesting that he fucks while footage of his ruined childhood plays in the background, as the pair then pivoted to talking about Culkin’s new web site, BunnyEars.com, which he describes as a combination of “Goop and The Onion.” Have you ever wanted to help Macaulay Culkin legally change his middle name to “Shark Week” or “Publicity Stunt”? Well, now you can, fellow influencers, ensuring that when the anecdote crops up as a footnote in his Wikipedia page, you’ll be able to feel a warm sense of pride at having played your part.

At least nobody sang about pizza.