Handed the opportunity to rubberneck at the wreck of Lindsay Lohan in a far more literal sense than usual, TMZ's dedicated Lohan bureau spent the weekend delving into the circumstances of her most recent car-related accident and, inevitably, turning a seemingly straightforward incident into a growing web of conspiracy. The plot, as it's thickened over the last 48 hours before settling into a viscous, chowder-like substance: The driver of the 18-wheeler that Lohan rear-ended claims he was offered hush money in exchange for his silence (an agreement he's refused several times over by offering multiple statements to anyone who will listen). Even more sensationalistic is the allegation that Lohan's assistant, shortly before whisking her away in an appropriately sinister black Cadillac Escalade, filled a mysterious pink bag with an even more mysterious "something," then told him not to mention the bag to police, because that is definitely what you would want to do in order to not arouse suspicion.
Adding yet more appropriately B-movie elements to this story, Lohan has now reportedly amended her original claim of being cut off to also saying that the brakes on her rental Porsche failed, ominously relaying that the rental company informed her they'd just been replaced two days before. With the truck driver seemingly gearing up to sue Lohan for unspecified injuries, this entire tale is now threatening to become the JFK assassination of our age, with future scholars endlessly debating whether someone could have deliberately tampered with Lohan's brakes because she was getting too close to the truth of Elizabeth Taylor, and of course, what was in Lindsay Lohan's Pink Bag Of Mystery. Drugs and/or alcohol? A jar containing the spirit of Marilyn Monroe? An endlessly nesting matryoshka of pink bags eventually leading to the fragile, freeze-dried butterfly that is the totem of Lohan's soul? We are truly through the looking glass here.