Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Continuing the labyrinthine conspiracy that is the Lindsay Lohan-industrial complex, Lindsay Lohan was the victim of an alleged assault during the wee hours of the morning that Lindsay Lohan walks, after she was reportedly choked by a man who had attempted to photograph her and steal her essence. The altercation took place in a suite at New York's Union Square W Hotel, where Lohan noticed 26-year-old Chris LaBella taking cell phone pictures of her—presumably to document the rare sighting of Lindsay Lohan just sort of hanging out somewhere—and responded by snatching the phone from his hand and departing to another room. LaBella gave chase, with the two eventually "tussling on a bed" before Lohan locked herself in a bathroom. After she emerged, LaBella allegedly began choking her in the hallway, provoking her to both call the cops and pull the fire alarm, thus alerting every single sleeping patron in the hotel to the emergency of Lindsay Lohan being victimized.

And of course, as this is a story about Lindsay Lohan, there is another layer of intrigue: After LaBella was arrested and charged with misdemeanor assault (charges which have since been dropped for lack of evidence), it was revealed that he is a staffer working for Republican Representative John Shimkus of Illinois, whose office has already issued a statement making it clear that LaBella was not acting officially on behalf of the Republican Party. And yet, with the reveal that LaBella's Facebook photo is one of him with vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan, once again we're forced to look deeper. Perhaps this entire incident is, in fact, an attempt to entrap the Republican Party, besmirch its image, and leverage sympathy for Lohan into Democratic votes in crucial swing states? Perhaps Lohan is, in fact, working on behalf of Obama—maybe in exchange for his promising to finally intervene and cut her taxes? As always, up is down, black is white, and nothing is as it seems, or as simple as Lindsay Lohan maybe not staying up all night drinking with every rich dickhead she can find sometimes.


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