The distant peal of church bells on the hillside, the slackening of the raging sea, the almost imperceptible weight lifted from our collective shoulders—all of this can signify only one thing: Lindsay Lohan is a free being once more, having been “spirited out a back door” of the L.A. rehab facility where she had been trapped for a significant number of 23 days (by members of the Illuminati, no doubt) and into a “waiting, chauffeur-driven car.” Lohan’s physical form then divided itself into a million monarch butterflies, surging through the sunroof and stretching their wings toward the boundless deep of the yawning sky, then reassembling at her home so Lohan could begin again the work of the people, starting with rehearsing her triumphant, cum-smearing comeback.

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